The Tao of Sean

The past year has been a great learning experience for me with respect to relationships. Slowly, all that has evolved into a more solidified system of thought which was sort of catalyzed by recent epiphanies... and now, I honestly believe I'm a much better person for it. Essentially, what I've learned is the secret to my own happiness amidst the chaos that is my love life, are the following four axioms.


1. Be yourself
2. Act without regret
3. Love for your own reasons
4. Be at peace


1. Be Yourself

That pretty much says it all... the first, and most important step in this process is to be exactly who you are at all times. Naturally, this is more complicated than any "just be it" phrase - you must know yourself well enough to understand your values and motivations, you must choose who you want to be, and take action to become who you want to be, and be constantly reassessing... But let's assume you already do have a solid idea of who you are, the point of me saying "Be Yourself", is that much of the time most people aren't - especially when we are worried what someone else thinks of us.

Relationships are tricky like that... if we think we like someone, we're so likely to throw "ourselves" out the window and try to strategize by being who we think that person is going to want. This is a lie. But it's like cheating on a test... you really only screw yourself in the long run.

I once cautioned a friend that she seemed to be going to the bar just a bit too often, and she told me "everyone likes me more when I'm drunk!" Unfortunately, unless she's prepared to be drunk all the time, anyone who begins dating her based on the self she presents at the bar is building a relationship on a misrepresentation... and that will fail.

No... the truth is, as cliched as it is, anyone worth being with is going to love you for exactly who you really are, and you won't have to pretend. It's important not to pretend to be someone else in part for your long term happiness of course, but also because it makes you afraid... and fear so often results in both cowardice and trying to tightly control that which is truly beyond your sphere of influence... it's no good. Being comfortable with who you are frees you up to...


2. Act without regret

So much of my life, I have acted boldly in many areas, but not always with women. I suppose this was due in part to a fear of rejection and possibly due to a fundamental lack of self-confidence. While any lack of confidence really wasn't warranted, my friend Ronen made comments back in May that really illuminated the idea that sometimes we retain these residual rejection fears from our youth - even though now we may be successful, mature adults.

Unfortunately, this has prevented me from boldly going for the metaphorical gusto in many of my interactions with women. But recently, following Ronen's advice, I did exactly that with a woman I had just met... and as a result, that sparked the series of epiphanies that led me to think and then write all this. It also made me feel fantastic!

A person's actions tend to be in line with their core beliefs... So once you have established that you know who you are, and that you are who you mean to be, acting on that should be the easy part. It certainly was for me over the past couple months...

The real beauty of this part, is that you'll never regret something you did. If you don't act boldly, you'll wind up years from now saying something like "I wish I'd kissed her!" or "why didn't I tell her what I thought?"

The worst thing that can ever happen is that she doesn't feel the same way... and that is, in my experience, sometimes only temporary. But honestly, how bad is that really?

(See #3 for why rejection should be no big deal).

Acting in this way does have it's downfalls of course. For one, most people aren't used to being dealt with in a truly straightforward manner... so sometimes it's going to freak them out a bit. But the way I figure it, anyone who is truly worth your time is going to appreciate that in your character and treat you with the same candor. If not, then perhaps that particular woman isn't ready yet... or even, isn't as worthy of your love as you thought. Usually, I think some people just need time to get over the shock of honesty, and they will or they won't but there's really nothing you can do about it either way. Once you've shown a person what they mean to you - it will be up to them to decide what to do with that information... any choice really shouldn't make too much of a difference.

So assuming that you have, in fact, judged correctly. Then...


3. Love for your own reasons

What I mean is this: Far from what is constantly parroted by movies, books, and other mass media, true love is possibly the most conditional relationship you could ever have with another person.

Ayn Rand discussed this at length, and one of my best friends mentioned something nearly identical a few weeks ago to me to this concept, all love - especially romantic love - is in reality a physical manifestation of your personal sense of self-worth. As my friend James put it; you're attracted to people who are kind of on your same level.

Unfortunately - a person's sense of self-worth is in a lot of ways independent to what their "real" worth is. Even the most accomplished men and women can still believe that they're not that great, for whatever reason. This is the kind of mentality that pushes normal women to accept abusive men and never leave... it's a shame, but the thing is, it's really important to have an accurate metaphorical mirror and be accurate about your sense of self-worth not only because it seriously affects your confidence, but also because it affects who you're ultimately attracted to.

But I digress... "Love for your own reasons" means this: Love is conditional - but because it's conditional, it makes absolutely no difference whether or not someone believes they love you back. It doesn't matter if it's one-sided.

Look at it this way - if you love someone because they are an amazing person... does that change just because they don't love you back in the way you want them to? No. Of course not... Until a person shows themselves to be unworthy, then there's no reason to be upset with them for not seeing in you what you see in them... one measure of maturity is the ability to accept that very few people will value you as you deserve to be, no matter how you treat them - and that that doesn't mean they're a terrible person, or that it's worth being upset by.

This is an important part of the Zen if you ask me, because it explicitly means that being rejected is of no consequence. There is nothing more liberating than that!

So... put it all together up to this point - following each these 3 concepts, we wind up with a person who is secure and confident about themselves, willing to act pursuant to their desires in morally respectable ways, who has no fear of rejection and is willing to put their heart and emotional core on the line for anyone who is deemed worthy... even if the feeling goes unrequited.

That's who I want to be... and who I believe, for the first time, I really am...


4. Be at peace

Really, all I mean with this one is that... sometimes your bold actions aren't going to work the way you intend. Don't have intentions. Free yourself from desire. Seek only to be true to yourself and your feelings.

Do things that you want to do because they express who you are and what you want to say to a person - not because you think they're going to get you a girlfriend or even get you laid. If you love someone, or if you think they might be worth loving... act. Show them what they mean to you... it's immaterial what you mean to them. Relationships also change over time... there have been several times in my life where a girl who wasn't interested in me at one point was later on. Just relax...

Be yourself.
Act.
Love.


That's it...

And don't worry about getting hurt! It may happen, it may not... so long as you are acting in ways you don't regret and loving for the right reasons, that hurt - in my experience - is really minimized. Conversely, if you don't put your heart into your relationships (any type of relationship) then you're just being a coward who's missing out on some of the greatest parts of life.


Finally... in keeping with the spirit of it all... To all the women I've truly loved, and all the ones who are worth loving: No matter how you feel about me. I still love you. You know who you are, I hope.


(PS. this all actually applies to friendships too...)

WTF Job.

Usually I write these really ridiculous philosophical or political blogs, but tonight... oh yes tonight... I write just about me. I'm sorry if this is a little cryptic, but if I go full on narrative style I'm quite sure this will wind up being unreadable. Instead, it's best if I write a bit more short-hand. So here goes...

1. Fifth ship = 25% more work. 0% pay raise?? Starting the 19th, I fly to London. On ship til the 2nd, fly to Amsterdam. On ship til the 11th in Lisbon. Fly from Lisbon to Seattle, enjoy Alaska for the millionth time. Hotel in Seattle 2 nights. On ship from Seattle to LA... get cab home, crash hard... die to world - 34 DAYS AWAY FROM HOME. Again... 0% pay raise??? Seriously.

2. Cellist failure led me into relationship Zen. Separate blog is required to explain the Zen. Later.

3. Sat in with Ocean Bar band tonight... I wish I played drums more. I'm so out of practice! Some compliments though, always nice.

4. How much does a Mallet-kat cost? If I keep traveling like this, maybe I can get one and play vibraphone wherever I am? That's stupid...

5. Damn I rock my job. 0% pay raise??????

Excerpt from an email I needed to write:

Furthermore, to have a 5th ship added to my schedule is actually a lot more work on my plate, and more responsibility (another $200k worth of gear and another dozen musicians I oversee) and more to keep track of, so while technically salary isn’t about how many ships I have to deal with, it’s pretty ridiculous to suggest that that’s not a factor - when John got the Eurodam, he got a commensurate pay increase, and a new title...I’m up to the challenge, but I don’t feel like my time and talents are being respected appropriately. In all honesty, I’m pretty upset right now that you’re not even considering a pay increase for this. I accepted your decision to wait until January for a formal review… but even that was pretty shocking to me. I’ve never worked for a company – even in high school – that didn’t do a 6 month review and offered a merit increase around that time (and I’m talking about grocery stores and swimming pools – not professional, multi-million dollar entertainment companies).

Yeah.... I think I can sum up this blog with a big ol' wtf? You dig?

HR 3221... the end of the US as we know it.

Dear Senator;


Please carefully consider both the practical cost and the precedent the US Government would be setting by passing HR 3221 or "The Foreclosure Prevention Act of 2008".

A vote for this bill is a vote for a blank check estimated to add an additional $800 Billion to the National Debt and many analysts and economists including our own Comptroller General David Walker have noted that the Federal Reserves response has already effectively given an estimated $300 Billion to the housing industry. As Congressman Ron Paul put it, this would be "the mother of all bailouts".

The US Government's policies and pressures on the banking industry throughout the 1990s and 2000s, and the Federal Reserve's slashed interest rates are directly responsible for creating an environment of artificially minimal risk for banks, which then extended lines of credit to people who would have never previously qualified - yet now the very same government is blaming "corporate greed" for the problems we are now facing.

It's time for Washington D.C. to learn that the meddling of legislature into the market has dire consequences for all involved by mitigating risks which directly contribute to poor judgment on the part of major institutions. We, the American people, cannot afford this bill's passage. We cannot afford the $5 trillion dollars in foreclosure debt, we cannot afford to add to the already extreme national debt, nor can we continue to subsist on the Keynesian mindset of the Federal Reserve and of politicians at large. Practically speaking, this bailout is likely to be the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.

But also from a moral standpoint, companies under American law were always intended to be treated effectively the same as individual citizens. When individuals and companies take on risks, and they pay off - they should be able to reap the benefits of their gamble. But also they need to bear the consequences for their failures. An analogy I used today is quite appropriate actually: From time to time, I buy and sell commodities on eBay. When I purchase an item that I think I might be able to resell, I am taking a risk - if I spend $200 but am at last only able to resell that item for $100, I have taken a loss. But I cannot go to my neighbor and demand that she pay me $100 to make up the difference at gun-point. I would be arrested for that behavior.

Yet that is PRECISELY what congress is attempting to do for Freddie Mac & Fannie Mae - and what it has already done for Bear Stearns.

Unfortunately, where my analogy is a scant 100 or 200 dollars, this bailout is Billions, even Trillions - forcibly taken from the American taxpayer and funneled straight into the hands of giant banks.

Surely you cannot believe that this is an acceptable moral position... Not only does it force those of us who didn't buy into the idea of cheap money and variable interest rate home-ownership to pay for the mistakes of those of us who did, it also shields the banks from having to learn from their mistakes. The passage of HR 3221 would send a message to every bank in America that no matter how stupid a thing they invest in, no matter how poor their lending review process is - the US Taxpayer will always be there to clean up after them. The excessively risky lending behavior of the past 10 years will be but a drop in the bucket compared to the tsunami that will be forthcoming as a result of this legislation.

Furthermore, I can't even begin to address the 270 amendments filled with the most egregious pork-barrel spending/legislating imaginable... What business, for example, do dozens of amendments related to energy policy have in a bill labeled the "Foreclosure Prevention Act"?? Honestly, the whole thing should be rejected outright on those grounds alone...

I personally fear that this bill will almost single-handedly bankrupt the United States and annihilate the value of our currency - which has stood so strong in the world for over 200 years and is now crumbling with each passing day.

Please, PLEASE vote NO on HR 3221. Let the banks and individuals pay for their own mistakes... and in doing so let's begin to salvage what we can of the dollar. The market will correct itself without your help if you let it. It might hurt for a year or two, but that is nothing compared to the damage that this bill will do to the United States in the long term.

Please vote NO.

Thank you,
Sean W. Malone
W. Hollywood, CA

Of course... it's all too late. The bill has passed through the Senate. No response yet from Boxer or Feinstein... as if I will ever hear back from them. "Representative government" my arse! This couldn't be worse for the American people or our economy. The tree of liberty needs refreshing...